


The only way I'll really smile is if you cut me ear to ear

by broadway_bound



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Drugs, Fights, How Do I Tag, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Sedation, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-04-07 18:42:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14087226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broadway_bound/pseuds/broadway_bound
Summary: Was it a mistake or intentional? He had been asked the question a billion times since he woke up in the stark white medical room. He couldn't answer honestly because then they would know. Problem was they already knew. When he arrived at The World psychiatric center for boys he didn't expect to find friends in fellow patients and love with a nerdy orderly. Maybe, just maybe, he would be able to get through this.





	1. A mistake in the making

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting a story and I haven't written in a really long time so be nice please! I accept comments and kudos. Let me know if I should finish this story! I apologize for breaking our favorite boys but it was a lot of fun. Tags will be added as the story goes on if needed. Please review the tags and triggers. Be safe friends!

The only sound that could be heard in the dark room was an exhale of breath as the blade sunk into his skin. Jack Kelly didn’t really intend on the cuts getting deeper, suicide wasn’t the end goal but it kind of worked out that way. The blade slipped out of his hand as the blood dripped freely from the wounds on his left arm. He didn’t remember his bedroom floor being this comfortable. “Jack, turn down the music.” His foster father was always yelling at him for his music being too loud. “Jack! Turn down the music!” He yelled a little louder. When there was no response he sighed heavily and knocked loudly on his door. When there was no answer he tried the door handle and found it unlocked. “How many times have I told you that I don’t care if you…” He lost his sentence as he took in the scene in front of him.

Blood stained the light grey carpet beneath where Jack was lying motionless with a blade loosely hanging from his hand. “IRENE CALL AN AMBULANCE.” Luther yelled to his wife. “Jack come on buddy you gotta wake up for me.” He lightly tapped Jack on the face. That was when he noticed the scars that laced up his foster sons arms. Luther felt tears prickle at his eyes but he knew he needed to hold it together for his son and his wife. He grabbed a nearby towel and pressed it against the worst of the wounds. A couple minutes which felt like hours later the sirens stopped at the house and a flurry of people walked in and gently pushed him aside. He knew that was all he could do at the moment. He didn’t even notice the tears slipping down his cheeks.

__

The first thing to hit Jack’s senses was the smell of antiseptic. It kind of made his nostrils burn and he thought maybe his foster mom had been cleaning. The next thing to hit him was the blinding white light when he attempted to crack his eyes open. He attempted to raise his hand to shield his eyes but panicked slightly when his wrist wouldn’t move. A struggle began as he tried to move both of his hands but found them softly restrained to the rails of his hospital bed. “Jack, baby calm down it’s ok!” His foster mother’s sweet voice called out to him and he calmed slightly when she rested her hand on his forehead. “I’m going to go get the doctor, calm down.” Doctor, restraints? The last thing he remembered was cutting into his skin. He looked down and noticed the white bandage around his left arm. He must have gone too deep. Jack felt the lingering effects of the sedative he was on start to drag him under and he felt his eyes slide closed.

A hand reached up and scrubbed at his face and he sighed. Jack’s eyes flew open and he sat up quickly, once the black spots left his vision he looked around. His room was dark this time and the restraints were gone from his arms. A quick look over his left arm revealed a crisp white bandage wrapping from wrist to elbow, when he tried to move it pain shot through all the way up to his head. He noticed a guy in scrubs sitting next to the cracked open door. “Hello?” Speaking felt like swallowing gravel. The guy in scrubs didn’t respond but reached over and pressed the call button for the nurse. Great, he had a babysitter. Instead of a nurse walking in a tall older man in a white lab coat entered the room and turned the lights on. Jack’s eyes slammed shut and he groaned a little bit. He was about to speak when his foster mom walked in the door and straight up to Jack. There were tear streaks on her face when she hugged him tightly and he instantly felt horrible. He hugged her back and buried his face in her auburn hair.

The sound of someone clearing their throat rang out in the room and Jack looked up quickly brushing a couple stray tears off his cheeks with his right hand. “My name is Doctor Hurst I am the on call doctor tonight. Do you know why you are Mr. Kelly?” Jack looked down at his arm and back to the doctor with a raised eyebrow. “I got jumped by an elephant?” His throat still hurt but the sarcasm was dripping from every word. A chest rattling cough shook his frame and his mom pressed a cup of ice water into his hand. He gulped from it gratefully. “Tell me Mr. Kelly were you trying to kill yourself when you were cutting?” The sarcasm didn’t faze this guy. “Not really but I guess I didn’t really care if it did happen. I got a little carried away.” Jack’s voice was a little stronger this time but he felt like someone shoved a knife into his heart when he heard his mother hiccup a sob. “Well you would have succeeded in ending your life if you didn’t get here when you did. You were on the brink of needing a blood transfusion. 20 stitches in total for the worst of the wounds, a couple stitches here and there for the others, we had to put you in restraints for a while because you kept trying to rip your stitches out. Judging by the scars in varying states of healing on your arms it shows you have a history of doing this. I have spoken to your parents and we have agreed it would be best for you to receive care in a facility that specializes in cases like yours. Transportation to The world psychiatric facility for boys should be here in 20 minutes.” With that the Doctor turned on his heel and left.

Jack had roughly a thousand questions ready to spill off his tongue. “No you can’t do this. It was an accident!” He shoved his blankets off his legs and started to rip the IV out of his hand and get all the wires away from him. A pair of strong arms grabbed him and pushed him back down onto the bed. His babysitter was reaching for the restraints when Jack put his hands up in surrender. “Ok OK I’m done I’m sorry.” Jack looked at the scrub top and read the name on the left side. Underneath a small logo of a globe with the words The World Psychiatric Facility printed on it was the name O Delancey. The guy didn’t say anything but sat down in the chair by the door with his eyes glaring at Jack. “Sweetie just relax this is for the best I promise.” His mother’s soft touch was smoothing down his dark hair. “I promise I won’t do it again please don’t lock me up!” Jack tried to keep the panic out of his tone but it was evident. She sighed and shook her head. “Your father is going to bring some clothes to you tomorrow. I’m sorry Jack but you need this.” She smoothed a hand down his cheek and looked at him with sad eyes. A man in black scrubs walked up to the door and she stepped out to sign some papers. Jack felt his heart sink into his stomach when two guys in black scrubs matching his babysitters walked into the room. “Jack Kelly? We’re here to take you to the world.” He was weighing his options on if he could take them out and make a run for it. They had some height and muscle on him. With a small whimper that he would deny to anyone he nodded his head and stood up. He wasn’t ready for this.


	2. Bird in a cage

The ride out of the city was mostly uneventful. He had to stay in a pair of light blue scrubs but was able to put on a hoodie, minus the string, and a pair of converse, minus the laces. He felt a little drowsy with the meds still in his system but his arm burned. He chewed on his left thumb nail as he watched the scenery pass by. A couple of turns down some side roads and what felt like hours later a tall pointed black gate came into view with a large hospital building that was attempting to look like a cabin behind the gate. The white van came to a stop in front of some double doors. An orderly in black scrubs with black hair that couldn’t have been much older than Jack stood in front of the door with a gentle smile next to a tall older male in a suit.

Jack glanced out the rear window and noticed the gate was still open. He followed the two guys out of the van and smile briefly at the people standing in front of the door. Weighing his options he took a deep breath and took off in a sprint towards the gate. There was shouting behind him and the sound of other people running. Running with no laces proved to be difficult and he felt himself tumble and slide to a stop in the gravel on his stomach. Pain flared up in his arms and knees as the gravel bit into his skin. Hands were on him holding him down and there was more screaming. He didn’t realize the screaming was coming from him.

He tried to fight off the people trying to grab him and got a few good hits in feeling his fists connect with someone’s face. “I’m not staying here. LET ME GO.” He felt himself start to hyperventilate. The next thing he felt was a small poke in his right butt cheek as hands held him down. The struggle faded out of him and the last thing he remembered was a tall guy with brown hair and gentle brown eyes sporting a forming bruise brushing his hair back and telling him it would be ok. He welcomed the darkness that took over.

The first thing that Jack noticed when he woke up was that it felt like he swallowed a cotton ball. The next thing he noticed was a pair of eyes staring at him in the dim light of what looked like a bedroom with two beds and two dressers in it. “You’re awake!” A mildly excited voice exclaimed as he stood up. “I’ll get one of the nurses.” The boy with dirty blonde hair grabbed a crutch and hobbled his way out of the room. Jack sat up carefully and groaned as his brain settled in his head. He felt like he got hit by a truck. He took stock of his injuries and noticed that his bandages had been replaced on his arms and he was changed back into a new set of scrubs.

He looked up as a kind looking nurse with red hair and magenta scrubs walked into the room. “Hi Jack my name is Katherine I will be taking care of you. Tell me how do you feel? You made a bit of an entrance.” She smiled at him and he closed his eyes sighing a bit. “I kind of feel like I got hit by a truck. Do you have any water?” She nodded and pointed to a small plastic pitcher with a cup next to his bed. “Well that would probably be the sedative we had to give you to calm you down. You injured a couple of our staff members. You are quite the fighter.” If only she knew why Jack had to learn how to fight she probably wouldn’t be smiling. “Sorry about that. I guess I kind of panicked.” Jack noticed that his hoodie had been removed and he didn’t have any blankets on his bed. He felt a chill climb up his spine.

 “It’s just a precaution we do with all our suicidal patients. When we observe you for 24 hours you can change into regular clothes.” She must of noticed him look around cautiously. “I’ll leave you with your roommate, Crutchie will show you around.” With that she turned on her heal and left the room. Jack looked at the guy sitting on the other bed with a wide smile. “Like she said, they call me Crutchie for obvious reasons. Do you feel up to a tour?” The other boy looked hopefully at Jack and he felt a very small smile tick at the corner of his mouth. This kid’s smile was infectious. “Not really but I guess I need to.”


	3. The page was blank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys! Hope people still want to read this. I love the comments!

The building looked small from the outside but it seemed extremely large considering how many twists and turns it had for different hallways. They started out in the living area where all the rooms were that the boys slept in. Next was a cafeteria, it was after dinner but Jack was offered a snack which he declined because he was unsure if he would even be able to keep food down. He was slightly happy for his companion’s slow walk because of the sluggish feeling still clouding over him. He was showed where the doctor’s offices were, where the nurses bubble was, where he would get meds. The last spot he was shown was the day room. It was spacious with large floor to ceiling windows that looked out into a forest with lush green trees.

There was a TV and a large red couch towards one side of the room, several large arm chairs in the middle and large book shelves overflowing with books on the other end. The scenery kind of made him feel a bit better, maybe he could draw it. A small scuffle turned his attention to the couch where a boy with bright red hair was wrestling with another boy that had dirty blonde hair and a pen hanging from his mouth. It appeared they were fighting over a remote. “Come on boys don’t make me take it away.” A stern yet playful voice rang out from the far wall. The guy was a head taller than Jack with dark hair and dark eyes. He was wearing black scrubs that clung to his thin but muscular frame. The scrub top read Davey J and he was sporting a fresh bruise around his eye. _Oh crap._ That was the boy that Jack accidentally punched in the face. Guilt bubbled up and he vomited in the closest trash can to him.

A gentle hand was placed on the center of his back and he flinched away from the touch. Looking up he noticed Davey looking at him with concern in his eyes. He wasn’t the only one looking at him, everyone was looking at him. Everyone was judging him. Everyone could see him. Jack felt his breathing pick up and his heart race. Having a panic attack was not on the top of his list of things to do in front of all these people he had yet to actually meet but everyone was looking at him. He heaved again and the hand was lightly placed on his back again but he didn’t flinch away. “I’m so sorry.” He could feel his hands start to shake and he threaded his fingers through his hair giving a sharp pull. At times like this he would let a blade slide across his skin. The pain was typically a nice reminder that there was something he could actually control; he couldn’t do any of that now.

Hands were in his and he was being led away from the day room and into an empty side room that had some chairs and couches in it. “Jack I need you to calm down. Look at me. Follow my breathing. In 1, 2, 3, 4 out 1, 2, 3, 4. There we go that’s better.” His breathing had calmed and the shaking in his hands died down. He let out a deep shaky breath and rubbed his palms into his eyes. “Sorry.” His typically deep strong voice was a small squeak and he felt a little embarrassed. He finally took a chance and looked up into the older boys eyes. They were soft and concerned. “My name is Davey; I’m one of the orderlies. Can you tell me what triggered that panic attack?” His voice was soft and reassuring. Why was he being so nice to Jack? He punched him in the face when he freaked out. “I just saw your face from where I hit you and I felt bad.” His voice had gotten a little of its strength back but it still felt like he was swallowing glass. “Jack if I were worried about getting punched in the face I would have picked a different profession. You aren’t the first person and you won’t be the last.” His smile made Jack’s gut twist and he couldn’t describe the feeling very well. All he knew was that he wanted to lean forward and kiss his lips. Jack shook his head a little to clear his thoughts.

A radio chirped to life and interrupted the staring contest that Jack and Davey were having. Something about a small scuffle in the day room over the remote again that was starting to heat up. “Can you find your room on your own?” Jack nodded and with that Davey left. Jack looked down at his hands and tried to blink out the black dots that were swimming in his vision. What was going on with him? He was about to get up and wander back to his room when the bouncy nurse with the red hair from before walked past the room and noticed him. “Oh Jack I was looking for you. The doctor said that you can have your clothes your dad just dropped off. We went through them and took out any strings but they are up at the nurse’s bubble. I’ll take you there.” Jack nodded not trusting his voice any more. He quietly followed the nurse, Katherine was her name, to a large room that was glass from mid wall to ceiling and locked with a key card.

Jack noticed his clothes neatly folded on the table and he felt a little joy blossom in his chest. He was handed them and pointed in the direction of his room. When he arrived he noticed his roommate wasn’t there and assumed he must of have stayed in the day room with the other guys. He pulled on a pair of black sweatpants followed up a dark blue shirt and a black hoodie with the strings missing. The sleeves felt protective over the bandages on his wrists and he felt a little better. His heart jumped when he noticed his art pad and small zipper bag of his art pencils was snuck into the pile. He could actually get back into drawing, it was his number one coping mechanism but he hadn’t done it for a while. He grabbed the supplies and followed his footsteps back to the day room. The scuffle it looked like had calmed down and one of the star wars movies was playing on the large screen. Davey was sitting in the corner with a medical textbook on his lap. Jack sat in one of the arm chairs facing the large windows and pulled out a pencil. He could do this; it would make him feel better.

“Jack. It’s time for meds.” Jack looked up at Crutchie and raised an eyebrow. The sun had dipped behind the horizon and everything was dark. He looked down at his art pad and noticed that it was blank. He wasn’t sure how many hours had passed but none of the other boys were in the room anymore. He hadn’t drawn anything. The page was completely blank. Jack nodded and got up to follow him back to where the nurses were stationed. He wordlessly took the small paper cup full of pills and the small cup of water and tossed them back into his mouth without asking what they were and ignoring Katherine when she tried to tell him. He walked back to his room and noticed his bed still didn’t have sheets or a blanket on it. He pulled his knees up towards his chest and rested his head on the pillow. At some point in the night one of the nurses covered him with a blanket and he pulled it tightly around his chest.

Morning came and they rounded everyone up for breakfast. When Jack was shaken gently he shrugged the hand off. He skipped breakfast. The nurse brought him meds and he took them then went back to staring at the wall. Lunch was called, Jack stayed staring at the wall. Meds came. Dinner was called and Jack didn’t bother opening his eyes. Evening meds came and Jack took them without looking up from the floor. The page was blank.


	4. Ragtag gang of ragamuffins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little on the sucky side. Was in the hospital and this was the best I could come up with.

_Jack could hear yelling downstairs between his father and mother. It was a common occurrence in the Kelly household. He was 15 but when the yelling started he felt like a little kid hiding in his room. What made it different this time was the sound of flesh hitting flesh. It took a moment for him to realize that his father was hitting his mother again. He wouldn’t let that slide this time. Jack slammed his door open and ran down the stairs. He jumped on his father’s back and knocked him to the ground. He got a few good punches in before his father landed a blow to his temple. His vision swam and he saw his mom run to his side. His limbs wouldn’t cooperate. There was more yelling, a scream, and then silence. “Jack.” Someone was yelling his name. “JACK.” He looked over and saw his mom lying motionless on the ground. There was screaming and yelling. “JACK.” Who was shaking him?_ “JACK”. He sat up with a gasp and blinked the black spots from his eyes. He looked over to see Crutchie sitting on ground next to his bed. “You were screaming in your sleep…Are you OK?” He looked so sincere and Jack felt a little horrible.

“Yeah. Sorry.” His voice was a little rough and he reached over to grab the pitcher of water and pour himself a cup. “Just a bad dream.” Jack knew that he wasn’t going to be able to go to sleep again and he was soaked in sweat. “Didn’t sound like a dream…Do you want to talk about it?” Crutchie asked as he used his crutch to stand back up and sit on his bed. “Not really.” Crutchie nodded in understanding and looked down at his lap. Jack sighed and picked at his blanket. “It was the night my dad killed my mom. He almost killed me but the neighbors called the cops and they arrived before he was about to finish me off. I should have saved her.” This was the first time Jack had actually told anyone about that night in a long time. He felt sick to his stomach but realized that there was nothing in it to throw up except for the pills they had been shoving down his throat. His roommate gave him some space and laid back down on his bed. Jack stood up and quietly dug out a new pair of sweats and a long sleeved shirt.

After changing he pushed open the door to their room and peaked out into the hallway. It was a little darker with the lights dimmed and he could see the sun starting to rise over the tops of the lush green trees. There was snoring coming from a couple rooms and for some reason that made Jack smile just a little. “You’re awake!” Jack jumped about a foot in the air and lost his balance. Davey grabbed him and pulled him to his chest before he could fall and Jack would never admit that the small squeak came out of him. He looked up into soft brown eyes. “Good catch.” Davey smiled and set Jack upright after a small staring session between the two which ended with blushing on both ends. “Um yeah I couldn’t sleep any more…needed to move around.” He knew that Davey probably heard the screaming but he didn’t say anything. Jack scratched the back of his neck and looked down at his socks. “Breakfast time, wake up heathens!” The loud voice made them both jump and he looked to see the Delancey brothers poking their heads into each room to wake everyone up. Jack felt his fist clench a little but stopped tensing when he felt a hand on his. “Not worth it.” Davey whispered into his ear and Jack felt something warm coil in his stomach. What was this boy doing to him?

Jack stepped away from Davey and made his way to the cafeteria with Crutchie. He got some white bread and frosted flakes, not sure how much his stomach could handle. When he sat down at the table all the eyes were on him. “HE’S ALIVE!” The red head exclaimed and Jack felt his cheeks heat up. “Albert be nice.” Crutchie jumped to the rescue shooting Albert a small glare. “Just needed some time to adjust.” Jack self-consciously pulled the sleeves of his shirt down his hands further hiding the bandages. The boys all broke into their own conversations and Jack poked at his cereal not feeling very hungry all of a sudden. The Delancey brothers kept an eye out on the group. He expected there to be more people but there were only about 10 boys at the facility. Jack got up and threw his untouched breakfast away and noticed Oscar write something down on his clipboard with a small smirk. He didn’t know why but he wanted to punch that smirk right off him. A deep breath and he walked back to the table knowing that if he did that he would probably not like the consequences.

Breakfast was cleaned up and they were all led to a large room that had chairs in a big circle. At the head of the circle there was a black woman wearing a pink sweater and a string of pearls along with black pants. “Jack Kelly, man of mystery. It’s good to see you awake.” She gave him a warm smile and Jack gave her a small nod. He found himself sitting next to Crutchie and the blonde that had a pen sticking out of his mouth. He looked around and noticed that they kind of just looked like a group of misfits. “Ok. Since we have someone new why don’t we go around the room and introduce ourselves. Same rules apply that you don’t need to talk if you don’t want to, respect each other and if you need to step out just raise your hand. Race let’s start with you and we will do Jack last.” The blonde next to him nodded and took the pen out of his mouth.

“People call me Racetrack on account of I have a gambling addiction, that’s why my parents sent me here. I just like the rush of the game.” Race spoke with a shrug and put the pen back in his mouth. Next to him was a shorter guy with intimidating muscles and a bit of a scowl. “Spot. I have anger issues so don’t fuck with me and we will be good.” Spot bumped his leg into Race’s and Jack noticed the two exchange a loving glance. Jack looked away quickly not wanting to intrude on their moment. “The name is Albert, I like to steal things…can’t help it. Typically I like to steal things from Race because he makes it so easy.” The red head smirked and Jack noticed Spot level him with a glare. Jack chuckled to himself. A couple more guys went around and then it landed on Crutchie. “Well everyone calls me Crutchie on account of the crutch. I took PCP and jumped off my second story roof. Doc’s don’t think I will be able to walk right again. I guess I can’t fly.” Crutchie laughed a little and looked down at his lap. Jack finally saw a crack in his persona. Now it was Jack’s turn.

“OK um…my name is Jack…I guess I tried to kill myself…I have a history of self-harm.” Jack bit his lip and tugged at his sleeves again. “My foster parents thought this would be the best place for me.” Medda nodded understandingly and a couple of the boys broke eye contact and looked at anywhere but Jack. He felt the hole in his chest open up and noticed that his breathing was getting a little harder. _Get your shit together Jack._ He took a couple deep breaths and felt his leg bouncing with his anxiety building. The rest of the group went on and they learned about new coping skills that they could use. As soon as the group was dismissed Jack bolted from his chair. He wasn’t paying attention and felt himself clash with a hard body. He tumbled to the ground in a mess of flailing limbs. “We gotta stop meeting like this Jack.” Davey joked as he looked down at the boy, he was hovering over him and Jack felt his breath catch somewhere in his stomach. “Sorry…Guess I just fall for you.” He smirked a little, this kind of felt like his old self. Davey stood up and pulled Jack up, his hand lingered on the small of Jack’s back and when he pulled it away Jack instantly missed the contact. This boy was going to be the death of him.


	5. I see hell in your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little language and fighting in this chapter. Poor Jack. Sorry this took so long to post I have been dealing with some writers block. Comments are greatly appreciated!!

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat as he stared at the wooden door in front of him. Today was his first session with Dr. Pulitzer and he had no idea what to expect. He heard that the Doctor was kind of a dick and that instantly set Jack’s skin on edge. He took a deep breath to steady himself and knocked on the door. “Come in.” A loud booming voice on the other side called out and made Jack jump. He wiped sweaty palms on his jeans and turned the knob. Behind a large mahogany desk sat a tall man with a small beard and a pair of glasses. His suit jacket was discarded on a coat rack and he was wearing a white lab coat with the sleeves rolled up. “Ah Mr. Kelly…I have been looking forward to our first session.”

Jack took a seat on the large red couch across the room. He felt his leg bouncing with anxiety, he knew Pulitzer could see it too and he started writing things down on a notepad. Great, it was going to be like that. “You made a bit of a splash when you first got here. Tell me, do you typically try to fight your way out of things?” Jack picked at a spot on the sleeve of his hoodie and rolled his eyes. “Only when I’m cornered like a feral cat. Your guys need to work on their bed side manner.” He bit back and leveled the doctor with a glare. “What’s all the stuff you guys keep shoving down my throat? I feel like I am walking through tar half the day.”  Pulitzer pulled up his file and shuffled a couple pages around. “Ah yes. You are on a couple different medications that should help. They take around 3 weeks to fully kick in. Tell me do you still feel like killing yourself?” Jack stood up and threw his hands up in the air. “How many times do I have to answer that freaking question. Yes. I want to kill myself. I want to get out of this room and find something to jab into my arm and cut until there is nothing left. Does that answer your fucking question?”

Jack could feel himself getting amped. He was tired of being asked that question but typically when he was asked he lied, said he was fine. He knew that lying about it wasn’t going to last very long. “Do I need to worry about you being safe in the unit?” He asked looking at Jack over his glasses. Jack sat down and buried his head in his hands. “Probably.” He could feel a bit of a sob bubbling up in his chest. These emotions were killing him. “Right well until you prove otherwise I am going to assign a one on one. You will have one of the techs with you at all times. I think Oscar is on right now.” Jack stood up to object but didn’t have the chance. “Don’t question my authority boy. This is my facility and what I say goes. Now I will end this session and change your meds. Clearly you need something to make you more stable.” Pulitzer typed a few things into his computer and Oscar walked in the door.

“You paged boss?” The guy in the black scrubs gave Jack a disgusted look. “Yes Oscar, Jack here needs a one on one. You, your brother and David can switch off. He is extremely unstable.” Jack hated being talked about like he wasn’t in the room. He went to lunge for Pulitzer and two sets of strong hands tugged him back and out the door. Jack was yelling profanities at any one in a 3 foot radius of him. He struggled out of the pair of hands and took a deep breath trying to calm himself. Something about that guy just set him on edge. “This is bull shit and you know it!” He yelled at Oscar. Jack ran his hands threw his hair and tugged on it welcoming the sharp pain that went straight to his core. He needed to cut. He needed to do something to get rid of the anger and depression that was building up inside of him. He hated feeling emotions.

Jack was man handled to the day room and shoved into one of the arm chairs facing the large windows. He pulled his knees to his chest and started picking at the bandaging on his arm. He was told by Katherine that he should be able to get the stitches out soon and he couldn’t wait because they itched like hell. Oscar was leaning against the wall with a clipboard in his hand keeping an eye on Jack while his brother Morris kept an eye on the rest of the boys that were moving around the room. Jack felt the pressure in his chest grow and his breathing started to pick up a little. This place was ridiculous. He didn’t want to be here anymore but he knew he wouldn’t be able to leave. The alternative was The Refuge which was more of an involuntary facility than The World was. He had been to The Refuge when he was a little younger when one of his foster families found out he was cutting. The place was horrible and no child should be forced to go there.

The bell for lunch rang and Jack didn’t budge. “Come on Kelly. Food time.” Oscar walked up and shoved Jack in the shoulder. “Bite me.” Jack responded unfolding his legs from the chair. Oscar smirked and grabbed his arm pulling him up roughly from the chair. “You don’t have a choice Kelly. Doctor Pulitzer gave us discretion to deal with you as we see fit.” His grip on Jack’s arm was tight and when he tried to pull it out of his grasp he failed. Jack heard a yelp and looked over to see Morris giving Crutchie the same treatment. “Leave him alone!” Jack yelled and struggled against Oscar’s grip. When did Jack get so weak? The skipped meals and lack of sleep probably didn’t help. One last failed attempt at removing his arm from the steel like grip of the orderly pushed Jack over the edge. He swung a fist and it connected with Oscar’s face. When he released his grip Jack jumped on Morris’s back to get him off Crutchie.

“CODE GREEN IN DAY ROOM, CODE GREEN IN DAY ROOM.” Jack heard the call ring out over the radios on the boys hips. Jack felt a fist hit him square in the face and could feel the blood fall freely from his nose. “Leave Crutchie the fuck alone!” He called trying to swing another punch at the man. The sound of multiple pairs of footsteps could be heard running down the hall. “Jack calm down. JACK.” The voice belonged to Katherine. He was glad that she didn’t try to break up the fight. Jack attempted to throw more punches and was unsuccessful when he was lifted off of Morris by several other staff member. “Jack listen to me It’s Davey. I need you to calm down.” Davey was yelling to try to get Jack to hear him. All Jack could hear was the blood rushing in his ears and his yelling. “Give him a Haldol Ativan shot and take him to seclusion.” That voice belonged to Doctor Pulitzer who was standing next to the scuffle.

Jack turned and tried to lunge at him but was held back by the orderlies and a couple male nurses. Jack felt a sharp poke in his arm. He struggled and could taste blood running into his mouth from his broken nose. The fight started to leave his body and he could feel himself start to get drowsy. He struggled weakly as he was taken to the seclusion room and strapped to the bed. The last thing he saw was Morris wiping blood off his face and checking on a blossoming black eye on Oscar. A small smirk slid across Jack’s lips as he was pulled under from the shot. This definitely was not going how he wanted it to.  


	6. Back story

Jack groaned as he fought to open his eyes. His head was pounding and it felt like he swallowed cotton balls. He attempted to cover his eyes with his hand when the lights were turned on but he found he couldn’t move them. He tried his legs and felt panic start to bubble in his chest. Images from the fight started to rush back to his mind and he realized his face was killing him. He started to struggle against his restraints. “Jack calm down. It’s ok.” A soft angelic voice rang out through the room. He opened his eyes and squinted in the bright lights. A flash of red hair crossed his vision and there was a soft small hand on his forehead. Katherine was undoing the straps carefully. “Promise to be careful?” She asked cautiously. He nodded and sat up slowly with her help once the straps were off. His body felt like lead.

“What happened?” He rubbed a hand across his eyes and touched his nose gingerly. “Well you were protecting Crutchie and got in a fight with the Delancy brothers. We had to sedate you and bring you to the seclusion room. You have a broken nose and you did some decent damage to the other two.” She sighed and shook her head. “Jack if you aren’t careful they will kick you out of here and send you to the refuge. You won’t survive in a place like that, no one does.” She turned away as she felt tears well up in her eyes. She just wanted to protect the boy. She took a deep breath and turned around. “Good news. I am here to remove your stitches.” Katherine un-wrapped the white bandage off arm and started to carefully numb the area to remove the stitches. It took a little while but eventually they were all out. The angry red and purpling lines danced across his arms like a bad love song. He touched them gently and winced. They stung. Katherine smoothed some cream over them and brushed his hair back. “Jack you have to stay in here for a little while.” Jack nodded and looked around the room. It was stark white with a single bed in the middle. There was a metal toilet in the corner along with a sink and the straps on the bed hung there loosely taunting him.

Time passed and all he could do was stare at the white wall in front of him. He itched at his scars without really thinking. Nurses came in at different times to check on him and bring him food which went untouched. He was starting to get annoyed, he felt like he was going crazy. He ran his hand through his hair and tugged at the strands. He welcomed the light sting and closed his eyes. He felt tears start to drip down his cheeks. He yelled and stood up pacing. This was insane. Why couldn’t he just die? That would save everyone so much heartache. He wasn’t important. No one loved him or wanted him. He didn’t belong anywhere. He pulled his hand back and punched the wall. Pain blossomed through his wrist and he shook it out cursing. “Everything OK in there?” He jumped about a foot in the air and turned towards the locked door. He peeked through the window and saw Crutchie standing there looking apologetic. “Hey Crutchie. Are you OK? Did they hurt you?” Jack felt protective of the kid. Crutchie shook his head and slid down the door. Jack mirrored him and slid down the door on his side. “No, they left me alone thanks to you.” Jack sighed and rested his head against the door. “All the fellas are talking about how great you were standing up to the Delancies. From here on out they all said they have your back.” Crutchie smiled but Jack couldn’t see it.

There was a stretch of silence before Crutchie spoke up. “I didn’t always do drugs but I always liked the party scene. Sneaking into clubs with my friends and dancing the night away was always a great way to forget about my problems. Sure there was alcohol and other drugs here and there. I went to a house party one night and tried PCP for the first time. I climbed to the top of the two story house and thought I could fly so I jumped. They say I’ll never walk without the crutch…they want to do a few more surgeries.” Crutchie sighed and felt tears threaten his eyes. “My foster family always said I was a bad person for wanting to party. I just wanted to get away from them sometimes. They were so controlling.” Jack could sympathize. “I know how you feel.” Jack closed his eyes and played with his slowly bruising hand. He hoped he didn’t break it. “Wanting to have fun…that doesn’t make you a bad person Crutchie. It just makes you a social person. There is nothing wrong with that.” Jack shook his head. He didn’t understand how some parents could drive their children to the edge.

“I started cutting after winding up in my first foster home. My dad killed my mom and they put him in jail. He was abusive and the foster home I went to wound up being abusive too. I figured I deserved it somehow. I thought maybe if I punished myself I could get used to the abuse.” Jack ran a finger over his scars. “I started to fight back. I punched my foster dad in the face one night when he was trying to hit one of the younger kids. I spent 3 nights in juvie for it and got shipped off to another family. Wash rinse and repeat.” He wiped angrily at his cheeks when he felt wetness grow on them. “Then my last family they were pretty perfect. They were gentle and understanding but I couldn’t stop cutting. I was damaged and I knew I didn’t deserve their sympathy so I tried to kill myself.” He wasn’t sure why he was telling him all of this but it felt good to get it off his chest. They sat in comfortable silence when the dinner bell rang. “I better get going.” Crutchie stood up and looked at Jack through the small window. “Thanks Crutchie….I really appreciate it.” Crutchie gave him a smile. “That’s what family is for Jack.” Jack felt something grow in his chest and he smiled for the first time in a while. He sat back down on the bed and fell into a fitful sleep.


	7. It started out with a kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such the long wait guys. I wound up going back into the hospital myself and I have been trying to deal with that. Here is a short chapter. Promise it will get better.

Davey was angry which was something that didn’t really happen all that often but here he was, fuming. Oscar and Morris decided that their “injuries” were to extensive to work their shift so Davey was having to pull a double. He had studying to do and he needed to skype with his little brother, not to mention the fact he hadn’t slept in two days. But this was OK. He could do this. His shaking hand clutched the cup of coffee as he walked down the dark halls checking on all the sleeping boys. Davey wasn’t too much older than most of them which was probably why he got along better with them than most of the other staff members did. He also respected them and treated them like humans and not caged animals. Sure sometimes it came back to bite him in the ass but that was life.

 

Davey found his way to where the solitary rooms were and he bit into his lip as he looked at the door that sheltered Jack from the outside world, or the way Doctor Pulitzer saw it, sheltered the rest of the world from Jack. Davey didn’t know why they were making such a big deal about him. He had read Jack’s file and his heart honestly went out to the boy, he hadn’t had it easy. Then there were the feelings that looking at Jack’s smug face were doing to the tall orderly. Every time that boy smiled Davey felt like there were fireworks in his stomach and there was once or twice he was sure that he was walking on clouds when he was spending any time with Jack. He was ripped from his own thoughts when a yell broke the silent air, it was coming from Jack’s room.

 

Davey sprung forward quickly and fumbled with his key card to get the door open. Once he got it open he saw Jack thrashing around on his bed tangled in his sheets and yelling out into the open air. He was having a nightmare. Davey rushed to Jack’s side and tried to wake the boy. He could see tear tracks on the younger kids face and he bit into his lip. “JACK.” Davey yelled. Jack sat up swinging and Davey was able to dodge the blow and put his hands up in surrender. “Hey, hey you are OK Jack. You just had a bad dream.” He stepped forward cautiously. Jack was panting and wiped quickly at his cheeks trying to hide the evidence of his tears. “It was…you were dead. I saw you. I killed you.” Jack was tugging sharply at the ends of his hair wincing in pain. When he went to scratch at the still healing scars on his arm Davey quickly scooped Jack’s hands into his own and placed them on his face. “It’s OK. I am right here. You could never hurt me.” Jack made a sound like a wounded animal and then suddenly his lips were on Davey’s.

 

Davey gasped into the kiss and really knew that he should pull away but instead he found himself leaning into the kiss even more. His hands were on the back of Jack’s head and he was petting his hair lightly to calm him down. The kiss turned from innocent to searing in just a few short seconds and then Jack was out of the bed and pushing Davey against the wall. Even though the younger man was about a head shorter he still had some muscle to him and was able to use his body weight to press against the taller mans to keep him there. The kiss deepened, tongues fighting for dominance. Davey made a small sound in the back of his throat and was finally able to push Jack away. “Oh…oh wow. Jack that…I can’t.” For once Davey was speechless.

 

Jack jumped back about a foot and touched his lips softly still feeling the ghost of the kiss on them. “I’m sorry. Oh god Davey I am so sorry.” He could feel a flush spreading across his pale cheeks. He shouldn’t have done that. He turned away from Davey quickly and ran a hand through his hair tugging on it again. His breathing was starting to come in short gasps and he could feel a panic attack start building. Davey finally gathered his wits about him and led Jack back to the bed and took his hands lightly in his. “Hey it’s OK Jack. I actually didn’t mind.” Davey was looking sheepish and Jack thought he looked fucking adorable. Jack took in a deep shaky breath and tried his best to smile. Maybe this would be OK. An awkward silence seemed to fill the air and Jack shifted on the bed when Davey sat down next to his, he took a deep breath and threaded their fingers together. It made Jack’s cold dead heart do a jump for joy.

 

“So…you have another appointment with Pulitzer in the morning. He is going to determine if you can go back out with the rest of the boys.” Davey sighed and looked down at their hands. “Jack I know it’s hard but if you don’t start making some progress they will send you away. Pulitzer doesn’t keep around cases that aren’t working. Not if it means he can get another body in here.” He turned and looked at Jack desperately. “I will do whatever it takes to keep you here but you just gotta try. OK?” Jack nodded silently and looked down at his lap. Davey smiled and leaned forward to place a kiss on the top of Jack’s head lovingly. “I gotta finish my rounds but I’ll be back to take you to see him. Will you be ok?” Jack gave him a tight smile and nodded once. “Always am Jacobs. Thanks.” He was trying to be the tough guy but his gut was twisting. Once the door was closed Jack flopped back on the bed and sighed. What the fuck was he doing?


	8. Loosing my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO Sorry for the super delayed response. My life kind of fell apart and I am still working at picking up the pieces. Being put inpatient for two weeks yourself also does not help the writing process. But here it is. I hope you guys still like and let me know if you still want to read more!

Jack tried his hardest to fall back asleep after Davey left, but he couldn’t get his brain to keep quiet. He had cheeked his meds for the night when Katherine brought them by and he felt a little guilty lying to her because she was nice and just trying to do her job but he was hesitant to take anything that Pulitzer was trying to give him. He didn’t trust the guy and honestly, why should he? Considering the fact that there were no windows in the solitary room that Jack was stuck in he didn’t know what time of day it was. The only indication he had that it was mid-morning was the increase in sound coming from outside his room.  
  
The door screeched open and Jack sat up quickly and rubbed his eyes at the harsh sunlight that filled the room. He squinted and was able to make out the outline of a tall figure and he felt himself settle as Davey came into view. He looked exhausted. “Did you get to sleep at all?” Jack asked hesitantly and Davey shook his head. “I slept probably about as much as you did… you ready?” Jack had almost forgotten about his early morning meeting with Pulitzer. He sighed and nodded, then slid out of the bed and stood on the cold ground. He looked under the bed and was able to pull on a pair of black vans that he had been allowed to keep because they didn’t have laces in them. He shoved his hands in his pockets and followed Davey out of the room. 

The walk to Pulitzer’s lavish office felt like it took forever and he wasn’t sure if they were actually walking slowly or if it was just his nerves making everything feel like it was going at half speed. As the door came into Jack’s view he felt his heart rate increase and his hands started to shake slightly while they were placed in his pockets. “Jack, It is OK. I will be right outside the door ok?” Jack took in a deep breath and nodded. The door knob felt cold on his clammy hand and he had a little trouble gripping it tight enough to turn it at first. Once the door popped open, he took another deep breath and stepped inside. Pulitzer was sitting at his desk with Jack’s file opened up wide and papers scattered on every available surface. Jack knew that had all of his life history on it. Everything that every doctor or teacher had said was wrong with him, every reason he had been bounced from foster home to foster home. His throat felt dry. Pulitzer looked up from a piece of paper he was holding and pointed to the couch across the room. “Sit.” He said sternly. It took Jack a second to decide if he was going to do what he was told or if he was going to be a brat and act out instead. He really wanted to be with the other guys though, so he bit his lip and sat down. 

“So Mr. Kelly, I hope you had a little time to reflect on what got you put in solitary yes?” He asked questioningly like Jack was 5. He clenched his hands in his lap and nodded. “Yes, sir.” Jack would play nice, he had to. Pulitzer sat there for a moment, judging Jack over his glasses that were resting low on his stupid pointy nose. Jack felt like he was 5 inches tall. Pulitzer leaned back in his chair and kept staring at Jack which was making him really uncomfortable at this point. “You’ve been hiding your pills haven’t you boy?” He asked with his booming voice and again all Jack could do was nod. He was going to strangle Katherine. Well, not really, he loved the girl like a sister, but still he was going to give her a stern talking to even though he knew she was just doing her job. “Since that is the case I believe we will be changing your medication to an injectable form. Can’t cheek that can you boy.” He knew it wasn’t a question and Pulitzer had that smug look on his face again that Jack wanted to punch off. He didn’t want this. He couldn’t avoid this. He was about to stand up and tell Pulitzer to just kick him out when the door opened. Katherine stepped in followed by Davey and another large guy that Jack couldn’t remember the name of. Katherine had gloves on and two syringes in her hand. He wasn’t a huge fan of needles and he could feel the panic edging in. 

She stepped closer and Jack took a shaking breath. “I just need your shoulder OK Jack?” She asked calmly. He was going to shake his head when Davey stepped up to his side and rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. He nodded. She stepped forward and wiped the spot down with an antiseptic wipe and he cringed when the first needle slid into his skin. Weren’t they supposed to count to 10 or something? He felt his hands clench in his lap and Davey must have noticed because he had tightened his grip on Jack’s shoulder. He took in another deep breath and clenched his eyes shut when the second needle slid in. When it was pulled out the spot felt sore and he felt a brief burning in his veins as the meds entered his body. Katherine gave him an apologetic smile and they all filed out the door, leaving Jack shaking on the couch. “There see, that wasn’t so bad.” Pulitzer said with a mocking smirk. “Do you think you can play nice with the other kids Jackie?” Oh how Jack hated being called that. His hands were clenched so hard in his lap that he could feel little beads of blood trickle from the crescent moon shaped marks in his palms. “Yes, sir.” He said tightly. Pulitzer looked like he just won the noble prize when he realized that one nickname could get under Jack’s skin.

Pulitzer pushed the button on the underside of his desk and Davey walked in expecting something to be wrong. “Please escort Mr. Kelly back to the day room. But heed my word, boy. One wrong move and you will be back in that room, before you can say the word stop.” He said menacingly. Jack quickly darted out the door and was followed quickly by Davey. He placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder, which was meant to be a kind gesture, but Jack flinched away from the touch. Davey held his hands up and walked him towards the day room. All the boys were on the couch fighting over what was on TV before a dash of red hair turned towards him. “Well, look what the Davey drug in!” Race called out loudly. Everyone turned and Jack barely had time to say a word before he was being tackled to the ground by just about every boy except for Spot and Crutchie. He couldn’t help but feel his face break out into a smile. “Did you guys miss me?” There was laughter and he was pulled to his feet. Everyone was talking over each other and honestly, Jack had no idea what anyone was saying, but right now at this very moment as he was being shoved onto the couch and squished between Race and Albert Jack knew that he was happy. It was a weird feeling. His green eyes briefly flitted over to Davey and the smile that the tall man was giving him made him blush a little. Maybe this would be OK. He had so much shit dealt to him in his life he deserved to find happiness. As far as he was concerned, there were no rules about where you could find it.


End file.
